Apr 302014
 

Nursery Crime Poem Sam Backhouse Image

NURSERY CRIME

Old Mother Hubbard buried her dog
Out in the garden amongst the fog
Then she visited her kids in the hills
Who frequently overdosed on pills

Jack and Jill were the name of her offspring
And they both wanted Humpty D to be king
But Hubbard didn’t think Humpty had the balls
To be king as he kept falling off walls

Jack and Jill were happy to see their ma
They got fed up of living with their pa
That Hubbard split up with because he was a dork
Who called himself the Duke of York

She got fed up with her husband when
He went out with ten thousand men
He did this every single day
And Hubbard suspected that he’d turned gay

And was in a relationship with all those guys
But getting a divorce had not been wise
As the Duke wasn’t bent one bit
He was going out with the men to keep them fit

Jill told her ma that her pet
Incy Wincy drowned in the toilet
The spider had a good run
And it used to have a lot of fun

Scaring a girl called Little Miss Muffet
Who always sat on the same tuffet
Incy Wincy used to mess about
Trying to climb up a spout

But he always got washed out by the rain
And it was such a bloody pain
Hubbard felt sorry for her daughter Jill
Who since her pet’s death had got quite ill

And she felt a bit sorry for her son
Who the other day had had some fun
By trying to jump over a candle stick
But the candle burnt him and now he’s sick

Hubbard used to have another kid
But it died as a baby, yes it did
Its death happened when Hubbard was drunk
And she climbed up a thick tree trunk

And put her baby in his cradle in the tree
And then she left it, yes stupid was she
And then along came a ferocious gale
Which rocked the cradle making him wail

The cradle fell down to the ground
And then the tot made no more sound
For it had broken its small neck
After this Hubbard stopped being a wreck

She stopped drinking her alcohol
As it just made her an asshole
Her two remaining kids, Jill and Jack
Decided to get their own back

On Hubbard for killing their brother
Yes, the two of them were mean to their mother
They broke into their mother’s house
Which had in it a clock climbing mouse

That always really annoyed Hubbard
By continuously stealing food from her cupboard.
One time Hubbard and her dog went away
They went to London for a holiday

They nearly made themselves expire
By narrowly escaping a huge fire
And when the two of them got back
The mouse had had a huge snack

He’d emptied Hubbard’s cupboard bare
This made Hubbard rip out her hair
She was broke and didn’t know what to do
So she visited her friend who lived in a shoe

Her friend gave her a bit of money
So she could afford some bread and honey
And she bought some dog food for her pet
That nearly starved and went to the vet

But the evil nasty Jack and Jill
Decided to go and kill
That dog by giving it a poisonous bone
Which they bought with their student loan

Hubbard had been gardening at the time
Of when her kids committed the crime
She was busily helping Mary
In her garden next to the dairy

Where there was a sign showing a cartoon
Of a cow jumping over a moon
Hubbard stopped her work and looked at the sign
Before she heard her poor canine

In the background coughing and spluttering
And she heard the poor pooch muttering
Seconds before it met its death
It said on its very last breath

“Hubbard it was Jill and Jack
Who have ended me- get your own back”
So Hubbard went out and avenged her hound
And Jill and Jack ended up drowned

She threw them down that stupid well
And Jill and Jack went straight to Hell.

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